So, now that I secretly haven't been taking this for 5 or 6 weeks, I feel able to look at what is actually happening. I have my medication ready for my next major panic attack, which I can now accept will happen one day, but for now I am giving myself a break from this drug.
I have been taking medication for panic attacks for about 20 years and citalopram for the majority of that time. I hate it. Truly. The only thing that keeps me taking it is the memory of my terror when I am in the grip of a really bad attack. Oh, and the fact that my doctor's eyes just glaze over when I talk about wanting to come off it. 'There's nothing really any better than Citalopram..blah...blah.'
I have come off it before and felt deliriously alive until suddenly plunged into the black maelstrom and whimpering have made my way to my medicine draw to renew our acquaintance.
I hate it. It makes me dull inside, lethargic, I fumble around sex, trying to get in the mood, I'm tired, tired, tired, my brain feels stupid.
I require it. I can see and hear troubling things and not have to run around the house throwing windows open gasping for air. I don't find myself tearing my confining clothes off, wildly contemplating rushing out into the freedom of a dark night and off, away down the street.
I hate that I can't just stop and start it again in tune with my life. It is hard to stop. The interminable whooshing head drives me nuts. Usually that is enough to get me to take it again. How to manage at work when your head is going 'whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh!' All the time. 6 weeks and there's still a bit of a whoosh now and again throughout the day.
12.07.16 12:30am
So it happened. Took my citalopram of course.
03:54 still cleaning my bedroom and throwing things out as a distraction. Stark naked and exhausted whoohoo. My legs feeling like I should run and run.
05:06 finally starting to feel a very slight unwinding. Took another half tablet in desperate attempt to slow myself down. Sick sick sick of crazy thoughts. Still cleaning and throwing out. Still naked. Just got to get through until morning proper.
